Life’s Little Things

Like many others across the country, I was horrified at the sentence received by Patrick O’Brien for the years of abuse and torment of his daughter Fiona to which he pleaded guilty. This week the Court of Appeal agreed with most right-minded citizens when it ruled that the sentence – 12 years in prison with the final nine years suspended – was too lenient and he would instead serve 12 years with the final three suspended.

Fiona Doyle is not alone; it is to our everlasting disgrace that hardly a day goes past that we are not appalled at yet another story of individuals traumatised by those entrusted with their care. We are told that there is a cycle to abuse: those who have been abused often themselves abuse. Dysfunction, poverty and neglect breed more of the same, but I still struggle to find even a morsel of compassion and forgiveness when I look at Patrick O’Brien and others like him.

Most parents would say and do anything to keep their children safe, yet we are told that one in every four has suffered abuse. By any reckoning this says we are failing to protect our children. We can’t be everywhere our children are, so we entrust them to family, friends, coaches and teachers.

We are told that we can’t function in daily life if we distrust everyone, but I believe parents are too casual about where their children go and with whom. I genuinely feel that parents stick their heads in the sand assuming that believing the best of someone will somehow make it so.

I have known parents to obsess over whether to have someone clean their house while they are at work and yet choose a childminder based only on the cost or their proximity to work.

We see what we want to see and talk ourselves into believing that everything must be okay because we want it to be okay. Parents make decisions about play dates, sleep-overs and birthday parties based on their experiences and expectations of these events, assuming that their child will be supervised and cared for rather than checking that this will in fact be the case.

Our five-year-old was recently invited to a classmate’s cinema party. On a busy weekend, the birthday girl’s parents had invited almost 30 five- and six-year-olds to the cinema. Very few of the children attending would have met the hosts and they certainly wouldn’t know the ‘helpers’ who were there to solve their little emergencies and bring them to the bathroom. Most parents likewise couldn’t pick the hosts out of a line-up, so why were they so eager to drop their children off into the care of strangers and when did clowns, balloons and cake morph into sitting immobile for an hour-and-a-half in a dark, noisy and possibly scary room filled with strangers? 

Another school-friend’s party was held in the family home.

The front door was open, children were coming and going – it was mayhem and utterly impossible to know who was where at any given moment. I know this because I stayed. Apparently this is unusual and caused comment, but I couldn’t care less.

Cautious

Our daughter is not overly cautious or anxious nor do we want her to be, but she is five years old, vulnerable and her parent’s responsibility.

I trust my daughter to a few people, but for all the times those people are not around, one of her parents will be. She will have a fun childhood with all the good things we can provide for her but, for as long as is humanly possible, we will do our job and keep her safe because the alternative is unthinkable.