Bairbre Cahill
I know it happens but I was still shocked when a friend told me that after 30 years of being together she and her husband had separated. “It had got to the stage where he disliked me as much as I disliked him,” she explained. That’s what shocked me so much I think. There was no great drama. There was nobody else involved. There was just a gradual erosion of love and friendship over time until all that was left was tension, frustration and dislike.
We all have those days when we struggle to like the people we love. Whether they are being particularly annoying or we are just in a particularly stroppy mood who knows, but all families, all relationships, have those days. What concerns me is the idea that this can become the norm, that almost without realising it, a relationship can fall into the habit of niggling negativity which destroys love.
Marriage can be hard work. Family life is challenging. What we start out expecting and the reality we find ourselves living can be different – sometimes more wonderful, sometimes more painful. For some reason I find myself going back to the story of the two on the road to Emmaus which is our Gospel for this Sunday. I am struck by the fact that their eyes are “cast down”. They cannot see much more than the road beneath their feet. They are overwhelmed with a sense of what might have been. Their expectations have become a burden. I can imagine them saying “It wasn’t meant to be like this. This is not what we signed up for.”
Do we ever know what we have signed up for? Can you honestly say that you understood the wonder and the challenges of being a parent before you actually became one? I certainly didn’t. If we could be given that understanding in a blinding flash of enlightenment, how many of us would have the courage to take on either marriage or parenthood?
I find myself thinking too of so many people who insist that it is vital to live together before marriage. The logic is, “You need to really know the person you are marrying and you can’t do that unless you live together.” But all this gives you is a glimpse, a snapshot in time. It doesn’t tell you how you will be together as you become parents, as new opportunities and choices open up, as you meet the challenges of life.
Like the two on the road to Emmaus we can often find ourselves walking with our eyes cast down, seeing the road but not much else. We can be burdened with the expectations we have created – expectations about where we and how we live, about finances, about our success and that of our children. That’s what strikes me about this Gospel story. When Jesus walks beside them he helps them to lift their eyes from the road, to see the reality that surrounds them. He helps them to explore their expectations and their experience. They take time out from the journey so that they can sit and talk and break bread together. In this moment realisation breaks through, they recognise him. Shedding the restrictions of their own expectations lets them embrace the reality of their experience in the here and now.
Whatever the pressures and crowded timetables of family life we need to take time out. Rather like Cleopas and his companion we need to lift up our eyes, see what is around us. Conversation, laughter, companionship and sharing food – this is what we need. They are simple pleasures but they can put us back in touch with what matters most in life – the love between us. Friendship is the foundation of marriage. Investing time and energy in our relationship is vital. Love needs to be nurtured.