Maria Byrne
I’ve found the support of my extended family to be a balsam to the soul
The past week has been the first time for several months that I’ve had a bit of breathing space. The early part of this year has been an emotional roller coaster following my father’s fortunate escape from a house fire on Christmas Day, the loss of a dear friend in tragic circumstances and a very busy schedule preparing for the wedding of my son.
The house is rebuilt, my son and daughter-in-law had a wonderful day and are enjoying the early days of married life. The pain for a lost friend never goes away, but the memory of a life well lived is a constant inspiration and softens the blow of a very sudden departure from this life. The end of January seemed like a very bleak time.
Now, in May, I can’t help thinking of an old saying that my father carved out as a boy: “Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday and all is well.”
Tough times
Every family goes through tough times: a death, a diagnosis of cancer, marriage problems or addiction. Even problems that might seem less serious such as a child getting into difficulty in school can lead to many sleepless nights for parents.
I remember how upset I used to get if a note was sent home from school. Looking back, I can see that I often got too stressed about very minor issues. However, in the majority of cases, things are often a lot less grim that we imagined on those many restless nights.
As winter turns to spring and the severity of January is long forgotten, so in life, a pattern emerges of green shots in what seems like very infertile ground.
Thinking back over the beginning of the year and the numerous trials and challenges, one thing that stood out in seeing me though was the support of family.
I’m very fortunate in having a large extended family that all live no more than an hour away. There’s an often quoted line that “it takes a village to raise a child”. I’ve seen a response – people have seen the village and they don’t want it raising their child. However, if the village involves kindly grandparents who have the wisdom of years and the time and inclination to pass it on, I welcome it wholeheartedly.
Caring aunt
If the village contains a caring aunt who, while raising a son on her own, finds the time to be a listening ear for a worried sibling, I’ll totally embrace the concept. In a time of highs and lows, smiles and tears, I’ve found the proximity and support of my extended family to be a balsam to the soul.
Not everyone has the benefit of parents, grandparents and siblings who live nearby. Some families have immigrated to Ireland from other countries or have children who live as far away as the US or Australia.
My new daughter-in-law is from Calgary in Canada, not far from the Rocky Mountains. Other families have fallen out, often over some issue that has faded into the distant past and was probably pretty trivial.
Even if there is good reason to be angry with other members of your family, the question has to be asked about what is being lost in terms of benefits for children and grandchildren when Uncle Joe or Auntie Mary is banished from every family gathering.
Mending broken hearts and building bridges isn’t always easy, but on the plus side, forgiveness, healing and renewed family ties will add more to our family life than holding on to some decades-long family feud.
The benefits of involving the extended family in child rearing are abundant. Besides support and encouragement and very practical benefits like babysitting, contact with extended family can improve the self-esteem and feelings of self-worth in children.
My 14-year-old daughter would be lost without her regular chats with my sister, who lives a few minutes away. She is also her godmother and is there to give advice, sympathy or a shoulder to cry on.
Perspectives
An aunt, uncle or grandparent can add perspective to an otherwise fraught situation and may provide a bit of space for an upset child, which can benefit both the child and the parents who may be finding it hard to see the bigger picture.
For families that are separated by the miles, it might require that extra bit of effort to stay involved. Thanks to internet technology, Grandma can chat away to her grandchildren via Skype or Facetime. My son works for a computer company and regularly tutors customers in their eighties or nineties who want to learn about modern methods of communication so they can interact on their grandchildren’s wavelength.
Distance shouldn’t stand in the way of regular weekly or monthly chats which can be supplemented with personal emails. Meeting grandparents and elderly relatives halfway can involve getting our child to pen an old-fashioned letter with art work and photographs included.
There’s a Burmese proverb: “In time of test, family is best.” Not only the family we live with, but those who love us whether we live in the same town or thousands of miles apart. Family connections provide the roots and stability for our children, no matter what life throws at them. Encouragement from extended family can help our children find their wings and supports the efforts of parents especially when the going gets tough.
