Maria Byrne
My 14-year-old daughter wants to learn to cook. Being obsessed with all things Japanese, she ambitiously picked an exotic recipe for her first attempt at producing a family dinner. Onigiri consists of rice balls filled with tuna or salmon but my daughter decided that beef was a better option. I was impressed with her efforts and eagerness to learn, and how she was determined to do it all on her own until the final dish was proudly presented. It was delicious, leaving us all begging for second helpings.
Every child in a family has their own particular talents and this daughter loves drawing, reading, anime and everything Japanese. Until this effort at producing a dinner, heating up a tin of beans would have been an effort for her. I think part of her determination to improve her culinary skills was connected to me facing into my second chemotherapy session.
She knew her older sister was well able to whip up a dinner and that my husband would be feeling the pressure of trying to do it all, so another pair of hands in the kitchen would be invaluable. Necessity is definitely the mother of invention and any family facing challenging circumstances has the resilience of its members tested, often in the most extreme ways.
My sister recently attended a talk given by Dr Fergus Heffernan, renowned psychologist and psychotherapist who is an experienced educator in the area of stress management and how it relates to our mental health. In a very personal, honest and practical presentation, Dr Heffernan explored issues connected to the emotional well-being of teenagers and young people; why so many of them haven’t developed any sort of resilience and the increasing numbers of children who suffer from anxiety disorders or engage in self-harm.
Dr Jonathan Haidt, a psychologist and business ethics professor in New York University, Stern School of Business has written at length about the modern ‘coddling’ culture which has led to situations in US universities where rigorous debate and the exchange of different views has been replaced with speakers being shouted down, guest speakers uninvited and strict monitoring of what can and can’t be said.
Unprepared
It seems that all too often, those in their late teens and early twenties just can’t cope with the ordinary ups and downs of life, and are fragile and unprepared for any difficulty or hurdle.
Most parents who are in their late thirties or older probably had a fair degree of freedom growing up. It was normal to be out playing for hours on end; being given ever increasing responsibilities in the home, garden or farm or running errands from a young age.
At nine or 10 years old, going to the shop for a quarter pound of ham or a pint of milk was considered standard. All children were the same: there was a certain level of inhabiting a private world where running to the adults at the drop of a hat wasn’t viewed as an option.
Children in fifth and sixth class in primary school were seen by the smaller children as some sort of wise owls who had graduated to positions of grave responsibility. I remember having a sneaking admiration of the big sixth class boys who the master allowed out to burn rubbish in the yard. There was a simple hierarchy and every year was a step towards adulthood and independence.
When I started nurse training at the age of 17, I rang my mother once or twice a week. Now, when my almost 17-year-old daughter buses it to Dublin, 20 or more texts or calls from my phone wouldn’t be out of the ordinary.
How do we encourage resilience, empathy and independence in our children? I think three key areas are to do with risk taking and developing skills, taking personal responsibility and being viewed as a contributor to joint family efforts rather than a perpetual child who, like Peter Pan, never wants to grow up.
Freedom
Children need to be given the freedom to attempt a project, take a few chances and see it through until the end. When my 14-year-old was preparing dinner, I could have stepped in to prevent any disasters, but that would have stolen her sense of achievement and her creativity.
Taking responsibility is often best learnt when parents model good behaviour. If mum or dad regularly make excuses for poor performance or seek to cast the blame elsewhere when they mess up, this is the standard children will emulate.
I think parents who demonstrate courage and strength in the face of what seems like insurmountable difficulties are creating an environment where children don’t feel that life is just too much of a mountain to ever climb.
Dr Heffernan in his talks around the country advises everyone to have a flight plan for our final destination, something that helps us to stay on course in life. For children, this means having a plan for each day which they commit to: a time to work, time to play, time to pray, to exercise, to talk and to just breathe.
When the winds of life don’t always blow as expected, a plan of life and the resilience developed from an early age will provide an anchor to help a child to go from strength to strength no matter what life throws at him or her.
