Life’s little things

Children are able to develop their own opinions

My children were aghast to discover that their grandparents, both of whom had been previously widowed, are now 30 years married. It has opened the door to some interesting conversations in our household, particularly with our daughter who is very pro-marriage.

Why do people get married? How do they pick whom they want to marry? Can you marry anyone? Are all people who live together married and if not, why not? She had her own answer to the last question. According to her five-year-old wisdom, people are still deciding if they want to get married when they live together but “if you really, really love someone, then you should marry them”.

Discussions among her older brothers are likewise unequivocal. Marrying someone means forever, so you shouldn’t get married unless you really love someone. Do you think granny and granddad love each other all the time or do they annoy each other? Do they still love each other if they annoy each other? Most interesting of all: how did granny and grandad stay married all this time when lots of other couples are separating?

These questions are nothing new but they are particularly relevant now as my eldest son has started noticing girls. Every conversation we have with him – whether discussing hormones, feelings, biology or love – has been tempered with our caveat: “What people say, what people profess to know and what you may see or hear from books, television and most importantly on the internet is not necessarily true.”

Lament

We may lament the fact that our children are growing up in a world vastly different to the one of generations past, but this brave new world of instant access to large bodies of knowledge forces us to put controversial topics front and centre for our children.

Technology is a powerful and potent force in our children’s lives and whether we choose to embrace it or not, the information and disinformation it provides affects how our children see the world. Some of my children’s peers have computers, tablets, iPads and iPods and they also have unrestricted and unsupervised access to the internet on their mobile phones almost every place they go.

This summer at soccer camp, one young lad brought his mobile phone and this was produced at lunch time. My son’s group were subjected to a song which, apparently, was not particularly nice to girls. The general idea was that girls were only good for three things: cooking, cleaning and there’s probably no need to mention the third. I was horrified. Where was the supervision at the camp, why did my son partake in this?

I was ready to launch into a tirade of feminist critique when my husband asked our son what he had thought of the song. He had given it some thought and had his own opinions. The song was unpleasant and disrespectful towards girls; he knows plenty of smart, articulate, sporty, funny girls and he wouldn’t like them to be talked about in such ways.

Somewhat relieved, I remained quiet and listened. When the older boy asked our son to sing the song to amuse everyone later on, he refused, saying he didn’t use bad language and he and his pals went away to play football. I was reassured and proud.

Somewhere in the foggy depths of his 11-year-old mind he not only hears and takes on board what we say, but he reflects upon it and develops a respectful opinion which is entirely his own.

As a girl I am reassured, as a mum I am proud and I know granny and granddad would be happy, too.