When relationships breakdown grandparents play an essential role in helping both their children and grandchildren, writes John Farrelly
Understandably, most of the literature on the impact of relationship breakdown focuses on the separating couple and their children. However, the potential contribution of grandparents should not be overlooked and deserves attention in its own right.
The shape of families is shifting from horizontal to vertical. Today, many young people reach adulthood with several grandparents still around; and at the same time, decreases in family size means that grandparents have fewer grandchildren. In many cases, grandparenthood is likely to last for several decades, with the relationships being more intimate. As such, grandparents are generally key influencers in many families.
When couples first marry, grandparents can provide a safe foundation from which new parents and their young children can negotiate the challenges of modern life. Grandparents can support both adults and children during this time of development and change as they grow together as a young family. Grandparents have more time to listen on a one-to-one basis than most of the other trusted adults a child will encounter. In a busy world, grandparents are a haven, providing warm, relaxed care.
When love breaks down, grandparents can provide continuity and support to children in a way that few other trusted adults can. Depending on the existing level of contact, many grandparents find themselves taking on more responsibility for their grandchildren, while others experience a reduction in the amount of contact they have with their grandchildren. In instances where relationships between the adult generations remain intact or at least functional, grandparents have the potential to act as an important resource and can assist the parental generation by providing economic assistance, support or childcare.
Particularly in the early stages of the separation, grandparents who have had close relationships with their grandchildren have the opportunity to play a pivotal role in minimising disruption and helping to mitigate some of the distress or feelings of insecurity that a grandchild may experience.
Hands-on care
Grandparents often go to considerable lengths to reorganise their lives to accommodate the needs of their grandchildren following separation. In addition to providing practical hands-on care, grandparents can provide intellectual stimulation, emotional support, guidance and supervision. However, as time passes and the emotional turmoil that surrounds the relationship breakdown subsides, most grandparents are able to reduce the intensity of their involvement.
Sometimes the ending of a relationship can be so acrimonious that not only do children have reduced contact with their non-resident parent, but contact is also severed with that parent’s family. Grandparents needlessly lose out in this situation, but it is the children who suffer the most.
No good parent sets out to intentionally harm their child, but in the emotional turmoil of relationship breakdown it is surprisingly easy to make decisions that have a negative impact on children, such as withholding contact with grandparents. To avoid this situation it is important that both parents keep in mind that time spent with grandparents can be invaluable at this time. Grandparents can often help to defuse anger and hostility and make bewildered children feel loved and secure.
When children’s lives are disrupted they need a safe place to express feelings, emotional support and practical help. Children who are denied the right to see their grandparents often speak of this void during therapy. They miss the relationship and the little extras that grandparents can provide.
Grandparents who lose contact with their grandchildren can suffer from many negative long-term effects as a result of the difficulty of finding closure in the grieving process. Many can struggle to cope with the loss, and appear unable to think of little else. This loss of contact with grandchildren is acutely felt and can result in anxiety and restlessness and can appear to be coupled with feelings of guilt, as well as concern over the well-being of their grandchildren.
It is important to keep in mind that the majority of children are highly resilient. Despite the complexities and insecurities of the situation, most grandparent–grandchild relationships remain intact and well-functioning. In some instances, the bond becomes closer due to co-residence or reduced contact with the non-custodial parent whose involvement had previously, to varying extents, marred the grandparent–grandchild relationship.
While new reforms throughout the western world have recognised the importance in a child’s life of significant other people apart from their biological parents, courts are still concerned primarily with what is in the child’s best interests, and are unwilling to expose them to unacceptable risk.
Emotionally damaging
Often during this time parents fail to recognise the value grandparents can be in their child’s life. Conflict can be one of the most emotionally damaging things for children, and I would urge grandparents to give consideration to whether seeking to maintain a relationship with grandchildren, amidst severe opposition, will ultimately be in the child’s best interests.
However, the key message is that grandparents can have a very valuable and worthwhile input into their grandchildren’s lives. Except when it would be contrary to their best interests, children have a right of contact, on a regular basis, with both their parents and with other people significant to their care, welfare and development.
Understandably, grandparents become deeply involved in their children’s lives. Increased closeness is often the result of such emotional involvement. The breakdown of an adult child’s relationship can mean changing plans such as holidays and family visits. It is important to reflect on reality and to plan for reconstituted family activities as far as possible. In some cases, adult children can become reliant on their parents during and following separation, forcing grandparents to revert to their earlier role of provider and protector, while their adult child can revert to being a dependent.
This is most likely when an adult child moves back in with them on a temporary or sometimes long-term basis.
The role of grandparents in companioning their adult children through the separation or divorce process is considerable, and in close-knit families can be the lynchpin to the younger generation’s ability to negotiate the emotional and practical fallout from a relationship breakdown.
The wisdom of an older, more experienced person is particularly important. When all are losing their heads and blaming each other, grandparents can help to maintain family relationships, offer stability, listen to their adult children and offer respite from the turmoil.
Positive relationship
Relationships with a son or daughter’s former partner tend to be complex and, if not well managed, can be characterised by animosity. A number of grandparents also grieve for the positive relationship they had with their child’s former partner.
All the adults involved need to renegotiate their roles carefully. If everyone can accept the new reality of the situation, the relationships can be of a broadly positive character, particularly after the period of initial conflict has come to an end.
Some grandparents experience a great deal of anger during the separation process. This can be exacerbated by the lack of support available to help them cope and provide support to others.
Such anger is most often expressed in situations where divorce or custody proceedings are still underway, and the final potential impact on all is still unknown. Where expressed, the anger is most often targeted at their child’s former partner, whom they may hold responsible for the relationship breakdown and the hurt caused. This anger is often related to changed expectations about their child’s and grandchildren’s future and may have been simply a way of expressing emotion over their personal disappointment and concerns over the well-being of their family.
When providing support to their children, grandparents must be careful not to neglect their own needs or take on too much stress and responsibility. To do this, grandparents must sort through their own thoughts and emotions. They need to accept, recognise and process any thoughts and feelings of confusion, sadness, anger and fear. It is important that grandparents take some time to do their own grieving in private, as this can help them to accept the situation.
This time can also help them ensure that they do not take sides, offer unwanted advice or tell their already burdened adult child how upset or disappointed they are.
Many grandparents think that it is better to provide support first and only think about themselves after the needs of others have been met. Research shows this is not the best approach. Grandparents will not be a source of strength and support for their own child and grandchildren until they have addressed their own emotions and thoughts on the matter.
As they say on flights: “Put on your own oxygen mask before attending to your children.”
* John Farrelly is the former Director of Counselling with Accord and a specialist psychotherapist with over 20 years’ experience helping couples. This is an edited extract from his book Coping with Relationship Breakdown: A Practical Guide, published by Veritas and available from May 12.
