Aubrey MaloneSan Andreas (12A)
Sooner or later, every great actor makes a disaster movie. It happened to Paul Newman. It happened to Jack Lemmon. It happened to Burt Lancaster. And now it’s happened to Paul Giamatti. He plays a kindly seismologist in this gripping earthquake yarn set in California.
The characters are largely comic book cut-outs. Dwayne Johnson is Courageous Rescue Man, estranged from Plucky Wife Carla Gugino and Sweet Daughter Alexandra Daddario.
‘Plucky wife’ is now with VIP Architect Ioan Gruffud. VIP Architect looks like butter wouldn’t melt but he’s stealing Plucky Wife away from Courageous Rescue Man and that can’t be allowed, can it? We feel he must have some character flaw that will be exposed to get Courageous Rescue Man and Plucky Wife back together. (Could he be a coward?)
Rescue
Shortly before the quake begins, Sweet Daughter runs into Posh English Bloke (Hugo Johnstone-Burt) and his Nerdy Brother. Posh English Bloke then rescues Sweet Daughter from a car in which she’s trapped after VIP Architect deserts her. (Ha! We were right. He is a coward!) As they trudge through the debris they begin to, wait for it, fall in love. Nerdy Brother is impressed.
Sweet Daughter seems unaware of the fact that thousands of people are dying all around her. Falling skyscrapers are also missing her by no more than a few feet. All that concerns her is that she finds a phone to ring Courageous Rescue Man to tell him she’s all right.
Courageous Rescue Man, meanwhile, is searching for Plucky Wife in his helicopter. He looks down on the thousands of people beneath him and then, what ho, who should he espy but the lady herself scrambling across the rubble of a destroyed roof. So he drops his ladder down for her to grab onto.
As was the case with Sweet Daughter, Courageous Rescue Man is undeterred by the falling skyscrapers missing him by inches. When he gets Plucky Wife into the chopper they have a marriage guidance kind of talk. As you would. Amidst the Armageddon that’s taking place around them. (Well Nero fiddled while Rome burned, didn’t he?)
Sweet Daughter now rings. Plucky Wife is disgusted to hear VIP Architect deserted her in her hour of need. Things are now looking good for her to get back with Courageous Rescue Man. (Rule No.1 of the California marriage guide: Never divorce a rescue man during an earthquake.)
But why is Plucky Wife divorcing Courageous Rescue Man in the first instance? The main problem is his depressed state of mind. He’s suffering from guilt over a situation that took place years ago where one of his children (the sister of Sweet Daughter) died in a rafting accident.
Courageous Rescue Man wasn’t able to save her. But now Sweet Daughter finds herself in danger of drowning in a similar predicament. Can Courageous Rescue Man atone for his lapse with Drowned Daughter by pulling Sweet Daughter from a watery grave?
This is a mind-blowing film, albeit with the IQ of a wardrobe. It will take your breath away in the action sequences. Just don’t expect the script to be of Pulitzer prize standard. It’s brilliant hokum, a thrill-a-minute shockathon.
Fasten your seatbelts for a bumpy ride.
**** Very good