Colm Fitzpatrick
Colm Fitzpatrick learns about bereavement support
Family bereavement is a sad reality for many parents across Ireland, but the journey from turmoil to healing is one that parents don’t have to face on their own.
In the hope of addressing the shortfall of information and support that was lacking in the country for bereaved parents, the group Anam Cara was established in 2008, and for over a decade still continues to offer pastoral guidance to families.
The group provides online and face to face peer support services in 10 locations throughout Ireland and Northern Ireland. The groups meet monthly between September and June and give bereaved parents a chance to talk to others who have a similar experience, and the opportunity to learn and be supported.
Anam Cara has always been rooted in the lived reality of bereavement, as it was founded by parents who had experienced a death in the family, ultimately prompting them to create the organisation where people could express their grief and grow from it.
“Bereavement is a huge part of our society and I suppose the death of a child is not natural, it’s not the natural order of life – it’s out of sync so it’s hard on parents – you know to find their way through the grief,” says Sharon Vard, CEO of Anam Cara.
“We’ve found in our experience by bringing parents together in a safe and comfortable place where they can access information through our Anam Cara information pack and by meeting with other parents, it just helps them feel less alone and I suppose in one way normalises something which is absolutely abnormal in terms of your child dying before you,” she adds.
Grief
Around 2,500 families each year experience the death of a child between the ages of 0-44 years, and with many sudden deaths outside a hospital or hospice system parents often find themselves beyond the realms of any bereavement support. In most cases, the intense grief of these deaths can last far longer than society realises.
“When a child dies – no matter what age that child is, we’re talking about adult children as well – it does change the dynamic of the family because you can have someone that has become an only child, when there were two children in the family, or you can have somebody who was the middle child is now all of a sudden the oldest child,” Sharon explains.
“Sadly, with the death of child it’s not just about your child dying it’s also about all those future milestones and occasions you thought you would have had with them. It’s a loss of future.”
Since its establishment, the group have connected with over 8,000 parents, holding a minimum of 100 events each year across the 32 counties. It envisions that every family throughout Ireland will have the relevant support services they need following the death of their son or daughter.
“It’s about helping families adjust to that change in the family and in a way learning that although their loved one is no longer physically with them that the connection and the bond with them, be it child or with a brother or sister, continues on,” says Sharon.
Anam Cara does not receive any state funding and relies on local fundraising and donations to cover the costs of providing their services.
During the parent evenings, which range in location from Dublin to Donegal, attendees can have a cup of tea or coffee in a relaxed environment and chat with other parents. A professional facilitator oversees and manages the evening, and concerned parents are able to express their worries or fears.
What Sharon stresses the most is that there is no pressure on parents to talk, which is sometimes expected of those who attend support groups, but all are welcome to sit and listen.
Alongside the parent evenings are bereavement information evenings where a guest speaker gives an overview or talk on issues concerning bereaved parents such as the complexity of grief or how to support other family members. This is the perfect opportunity for parents to garner some wisdom from a professional perspective and understand their current situation in a more informed and wholesome way.
Remembrance events also take place, such as family days, which are not as intense as the parent evenings but give young children in particular the chance to meet other siblings who have had a younger brother or sister who has died.
“We’re 10 years in now and were constantly striving to do this better. We seek feedback from parents who have been at the groups. There are a steady flow of parents, sadly, and that’s life. There are parents coming in and hopefully getting what they need and moving on. Sometimes parents will come in and they might only come to one or two meetings but they know we’re there. We’re almost like a safety net,” says Sharon.
Influences
For her, one of the most positive influences and benefits the organisation has is that parents are able to accompany others on their bereavement journey, as well as draw inspiration from them. In this way, a battle that seems so impossible to combat can be incrementally encountered and fought.
“They’re going to meet parents who are little bit further on who look stronger, are coping better, and it just gives them some sense that ‘I am going to get through’. They could be at the very early stages – very, very fragile, very vulnerable – and not seeing any way out of this desperate grief that swallows you up.”
The group does not work in isolation but also guides parents to other appropriate support services or resources in the community. Anam Cara recognises that bereavement manifests itself in different forms and so various organisations can tackle the minutiae of this process in more refined and pastoral ways.
“We really try and link in with other services in the community. We would be aware that there may be parents who have been bereaved by suicide or parents who have lost a little baby in and around the time of birth. There may be other support that they need at that time. It’s not just about grieving their child, it’s also about what happened to their child, how they’ve died, so we would link them with other organisations who would be more specialised in that area,” Sharon explains.
Even if attending a support group may seem like an intimidating option, the Anam Cara website offers a variety of resources where bereaved parents can begin to deal with their grief. According to Sharon, grief is not monolithic but affects family members in different ways depending on the relationship they had with the person who died. Each person addresses their feelings in a unique way, and the website outlines what parents may be experiencing and how to cope with this. Resources range from addressing a mother’s and father’s grief to the important role of self-care.
Although Anam Cara – which in Irish means ‘soul friend’ – may often be perceived as having religious connotations, Sharon points out that the group is completely secular, and accepting of all religious and spiritual beliefs. The group operate under a set of core values such as compassion, empathy, and trust. However, Faith does have an important role for bereaved parents and during the meetings many of them speak about how their religious beliefs helped them through the bereavement process. In contrast, Sharon explains, other parents lose their Faith because of the experience they and their child have endured.
“You question everything, you absolutely question everything. It rocks you to your core – no doubt about it, it rocks you to your core.”
For more information about Anam Cara, see: https://anamcara.ie/
