Maria Byrne
A parent’s perspective
Pope Francis was recently in the centre of a media storm for his comments on disciplining children. While there was a large measure of hysteria in the mainstream media, his comments did spark a heated debate on the subject of how to deal with children. I noticed that there was a lot of divided opinion on the subject with comments ranging from “a clip on the ear did me no harm” to the view that any kind of physical deterrent is a form of child abuse.
A poll conducted by the radio station Newstalk found that 69% of people said that it was acceptable to slap a child, while 31% said that it was not. It seems that the view of the experts is not reflected in homes around the country or maybe parents are rebelling against suggestions that a legal framework would be required to ensure their parenting is up to scratch.
What was lost in the midst of the whole controversy was the Pope’s true message about correcting children with respect and dignity, and without humiliating them.
I don’t think there are many programmes that affected attitudes and approaches to discipline as much as Nanny 911. The formula was the same in each episode: cue a gang of kicking, pinching, out-of-control children and dispatch a Mary Poppins-style British nanny to whip them into shape. With strict, no-nonsense methods, the children were eating out of these supernanny’s hands in a matter of days. However, many childcare professionals were critical of the quick-fix solutions and the unrealistic turnaround times for results.
Dr Deborah Borchers, a paediatrician and member of the American Academy of Pediatrics put the methods into perspective saying that “there’s no way a woman can walk into someone’s house and have the kids behaving in a week”.
The problem with many of these child-training methods is that, while they might work with some children, they fail to factor in the different personalities and characters of each individual child. Smacking a sensitive child might cause more problems than it solves, but extended periods sitting alone on ‘the naughty step’ doesn’t seem to be much better.
I think views on discipline and behaviour evolve. When I was a teenager, ‘the dirty look’ or eyes thrown up to Heaven was enough to incur a parent’s wrath. You knew you were in trouble if you crossed a certain line. Now, children don’t seem to take a parent’s word as being the letter of the law, but just another possibility in a range of options that they’re considering.
Hand-in-hand with the obvious confidence children seem to possess more of, is a trend to view children as a law unto themselves. Some see younger children as a disruptive presence that will cause mayhem if let loose in any more adult environment.
A few weeks ago, a mother and her 15-month-old daughter were asked to leave a Dublin restaurant as lunchtime was a time when the owner wanted to attract the corporate customers. I couldn’t help thinking that if high-powered bankers and business people couldn’t deal with a fractious baby, how would they cope with the tensions and demands of big business.
Of course, I can see the owner’s point of view too. My daughter was dining out recently and was amused by children firing crayon missiles across the restaurant and racing around while parents remained blissfully oblivious to the irritated glances of the staff. Games of chasing and waiters balancing hot plates don’t mix very well. I think some young parents are stuck in ‘damned if you do and damned if you don’t’ mode, so opt to pretend that their rambunctious youngsters have nothing to do with them at all.
With a quick smack increasingly frowned upon and a confusing abundance of other approaches to disciplining children, it’s no wonder parents are bewildered. I think the focus on what the parent does to the child to enforce a particular behaviour is often counterproductive. Looking at why a child is misbehaving is more likely to assist parents in finding a solution.
If a small child is hungry, thirsty, too hot, too cold, tired, sick or bored, don’t expect sweet smiles and a scene from Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.
I don’t believe in waiting until children are older to introduce them to the joys of adult company. Anytime we holidayed in countries like Spain or Portugal, it was common to see well-behaved children out dining with adults late into the night.
Unspoken belief
I often think that you’ll get what you expect from a child and if there’s an unspoken belief that children are little urchins, that’s how they’ll behave. If children know that you expect the best, they’ll often live up to their good name.
My four-year-old has taken to dusting, hoovering and cleaning up with great gusto after I gave him a bit of praise and a few cents for helping out. He seems to be working on filling a jam-jar with coins, which just proves that a reward is a better incentive in promoting kindness and consideration. He sits happily on the time-out step counting his earnings.
What encourages me is that he’s very impressed with the whole idea of Lent and the story of Mahlet on the Trócaire box, reserving a few coins for her. We must be getting something right.
