How I found the road home through Knock

After years of struggle, I have found a renewed faith, writes Paul McLoughlin

My journey home began on the morning of Saturday March 5, 2011. I was doing my morning Gongyo, which is a Buddhist chanting ceremony, when I started thinking of visiting Knock Shrine. Even though I was a leader in a Buddhist organisation, I had been having doubts for some time. I felt it was a beautiful way of looking at life, but there was something missing, and I kept thinking of my once strong Catholic Christian faith, which I had abandoned 10 years previously.

I decided there and then that I would make the journey to Knock (a four-and-a- half-hour drive) with an open mind, and my attitude was ‘may the best one win’. I was on a mission to find the truth, not a subjective view of things, but the actual objective truth.

At 3.30pm that day, outside the apparition chapel at Knock, I had my re-conversion. It wasn’t like a bolt of lightning with music and lights, it was a still small voice, an awakening, a realisation that my faith had come back, and I would be a committed Catholic from that moment for the rest of my life. I went straight to Confession feeling excited, but nervous, after 10 years away from the Faith. I didn’t know where to start, but the priest was great, making me feel like he just wanted to welcome me home.

Responsibilities

Once I had reorganised my life and unravelled my responsibilities in the Buddhist organisation, and got involved in the life of my local parish, it dawned on me that while my faith had indeed come back to me at Knock, it had also left me at Knock, or rather I had left it.

Ten years earlier, I went as a pilgrim to Knock. 

My life was becoming a mess at the time. I had developed a serious drinking problem and when I arrived in Knock, I headed straight for the pub before making a quick visit to the shrine praying simply: “help”.

 I grew up in a good Catholic home and I had a strong faith. 

As a boy, I used to have crushes on other boys, but never girls. At the time, I just thought that was how all boys felt and that feelings for girls would come when it was time to settle down, get married and have a family.

Then, as a teenager, I fell in love with a boy a few months older than me. He had bet me 10 pence that I wouldn’t kiss him – so I did. 

I then went home and read in the notes at the back of our family Bible that practicing homosexuality was sinful, and I sat on my bed and cried. I thought that I would go to hell for that kiss.

I went to college, and after my studies I went on to explore the ‘gay scene’. I spent many years in long-term (and some very short-term) relationships whilst at the same time trying to practice my faith.

I always felt drawn to celibacy, but platonic relationships weren’t readily available on the gay scene, and I was a nervous young man who was inclined to ‘go with the flow’.

Shooting

Gradually I developed a problem with alcohol. I found myself in all kinds of scrapes due to drinking, including being caught up in a random shooting incident when I got hit in the back of my leg.

Eventually I ended up with that drunken visit to Knock Shrine asking for help. 

Life then got even worse! I was convinced that God had ignored my plea for help. 

As a result, I stopped practicing my Catholic faith.

I got involved more and more with people who took advantage of my good nature and then became surrounded by a world of drink, drugs and criminal gangs. 

Fortunately I stuck to alcohol and cigarettes and didn’t get in to the hard drugs. Eventually I had a nervous breakdown. I behaved very badly during that period, which I deeply regret. 

I ended up letting down the very people I should have listened to, and had listened to those I shouldn’t have. I even ended up being arrested, locked up for a night and having two court appearances.

With the help of family and friends, life gradually improved. I busied myself with work and getting on with life, including embracing Buddhism.

Then came that day in 2011 when I was chanting away and felt strongly drawn to go to Knock. I now realise that when I had been there 10 years previously asking for help, that my prayer was answered: by being kept safe through all kinds of experiences, then being drawn back 10 years later – when I was ready – to a renewed faith built on the firm foundations of life experience.

I am now a teetotal non-smoker. I am happily celibate whilst comfortable and open in my sexuality. I have discovered there are lots of people who are gay and happily celibate for the sake of the Kingdom of God whilst not judging those who live differently.

God really does work in mysterious ways.