It was proper for God to crush my dreamy life and move me to Ireland because I was building my own castle instead of joining His, says Angela Suryadana
As most girls growing up in the early 90s, my media consumption was dominated by stories of good-looking damsels in distress who were rescued by white-horse princes and lived happily ever after in highly elaborated gothic castles. God’s vision for my life seemed to be a melding of these fairy tales and a loose understanding of the other stories I read in a Children’s Bible.
The confounded notion was not helpful for my faith in my teenhood when I was entrusted with a bit more freedom to make decisions in life. I fell into the snare of hedonism, thinking that I deserved a princess life for simply being a seemly girl. What used to be exclusive for the royals are now accessible to peasants like me, so it was easy to grab this pleasure and self-indulgence myself without realising that a true princess lives a life of luxury but also has nation-wide responsibilities. The luxe I gratified to myself was not proportional to my responsibility. The only duty I accomplished was finishing every assignment in architecture school and the only misery I suffered was waiting for my prince who never seemed to come.
France
In my twenties, God allowed me to live for several years in the most fairytale-like region in Eastern France. Without entering any so-called confining royal life, I built my life there, brick by brick, without much of God in mind. It was like a dream come true. Everything happened as I had always desired. Unfortunately, it was not the happy ending, and my understanding of God was still as superficial as the illustrated Children’s Bible I used to read.
As I knelt in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I burst into tears, overwhelmed by the majesty of our Saviour and the revelation given to me”
It was proper for God to crush my dreamy life and move me to Ireland because I was building my own worldly castle instead of joining His Eternal One. It was a three-year painful process, but I am grateful for it. I managed to stay obedient because our gracious Heavenly Father had started to change my heart. He showed me how much less other things were compared to Him and my relationship with Him began to grow.
Twelve months ago, God consoled me through the Beloved Weekend Retreat for women, organised by the Céilí Catholic Community in Kilbeggan. My old castle had been levelled to the ground at that time, so I came with an open heart and no expectation. On the last evening, the chapel of the community was distinctively decorated for a personal adoration time. As I knelt in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I burst into tears, overwhelmed by the majesty of our Saviour and the revelation given to me. Without words, without vision, Jesus made it clear that I was already His spouse, and it was what His heart longs for. I was and am and will always be His since the moment I was sealed by the Holy Spirit in my baptism, even as an infant. This calling to be a spouse of Christ is not reserved only for the nuns but is addressed to all of us. We are called to recognise our identity as adopted children of God and to love God with all our hearts, minds, soul and strength.
Understanding
The next morning, this new knowledge was brought to an even higher understanding when we celebrated the Solemnity of Christ the King. All these years, I was waiting for a mortal prince while Jesus Himself was the White-Horse Prince promised to us in the Book of Revelation. Instead of a kingdom that takes away my freedom, He called me to a kingdom that gives me true liberty, especially from lies and my distorted desires. Instead of a princess who is served, He called me to be a princess who serves because it is those who have, who can give and serve, not those who lack. I have because I receive abundantly from The True Creator, Owner and Ruler of The Universe.
This new understanding changed among others the way I give my life to God and to others, the way I use my time, the way I live my singlehood, the way I manage my resources, the way I live the Eucharist and the way I love the man whom God has called to be my spouse in the future (for in God’s timelessness, this man is already my spouse). The union in Spirit and in flesh with my Heavenly Spouse becomes the thing that I long for every day more than anything else. I am certain that, no matter what happens, the ending will be eternally happy.
Angela Suryadana is currently involved in the core teams of Young Adults Rathmines and Evangelium Ireland.