Coping with the loss of a loved one

Living with Grief: Walking the Spiral

by Bairbre Cahill

(Redemptorist Publications, £7.95)

Death and grief are common to all, but nevertheless their effects can be devastating. 

To aid those passing through a period of loss and adjustment Bairbre Cahill proposes the idea of a spiral stair, representing the several stages of anger, despair and frustration. But by passing up the stair we arrive at a new stage, where life itself can reassert itself over demands of death. 

She uses the experiences of others who have walked this way to illuminate the quest. She draws for her insights on the psalms as an aid to personal prayer and reflection.

The book was begun out of the death of her mother-in-law Agnes. “I looked at our own children and how they began to deal with their granny’s death. I was struck by a number of things. Many of us very quickly had a sense of Agnes being with God, restored to the very best of herself, no longer restricted by asthma. Indeed we agreed that Agnes was probably running around heaven smelling all the flowers. It was a funny image to have but it summed up for use the sense of Agnes fully alive beyond death.”

Talking with her children and how their faith affected them at this moment, she realised that she would have to explore further, to reach out to others and learn from other people’s experiences. This is what she has done. And that quote will give potential readers who will value this book a sense of her style and her patient and inclusive way of writing. 

She uses prayers, writings and poems to fill out the experiences. But she also asks her readers to reflect on what others have gone through, and what such people as C. S. Lewis and Patrick Kavanagh have epitomised.

The book has also a practical side with a list of books for further reading, other resources and support groups, importantly including (which is not always the case with Catholic books published in Britain) Ireland-based organisations. 

Much of the burden of grief lies not in the immediate loss (which is very great), but in regrets about the past and what was done or not done (“Could I have done more for Mamie?) Here too this sensitive and consoling book will provide a sense of perspective.